Posts tagged ‘Wallowing at the moment’

March 24, 2009

Spring Break 2009

I’m baaack. That’s the longest I’ve gone between actual posts. haha What can I say? I’m addicted to blogging. But finals are done, projects are turned in, and grades are posted. Whooooooo Thank God. This quarter totally sucked. Something about winter quarter makes everything sooo depressing: the weather, the classes, but luckily not the people. haha Well I definitely benefited from a certain someone. *smirk* And it’s causing me to act like such a girl. I’m still deciding if I like it or not. It’s making me terribly insecure and I HATE insecurity in others, let alone myself. Here’s a chance for me get all my thoughts down on paper instead of driving all my friends crazy with my babble.

I don’t date. Ever. The thought of getting close to someone emotionally makes me want to run the opposite direction. I’m a bit skittish whenever a guy wants more from a relationship. Ironic, non? I’m acting like the commitment phobic guy. hahahaha Some call it coy; I call it “shit scared and I need to get the hell outta here.” Well, I never claimed to be normal. lol Look at me. We haven’t even been on a date yet and I’m already assuming he would even want a relationship with me. I don’t know what to feel anymore. All I know is that I don’t know if I like how crazy I’m acting right now. I’m being rather girly, which is 1) out of character for me and 2) bloody unsufferable at times. I hate being uncertain. But unfortunately, uncertainty rules our lives. I guess that would be a sign to go for it right?

Anyway, I’ve always been rather boy crazy but once the chase is over, I drop him. Immediately. And move on. *shrug* I can’t exactly help it if I lose interest. I can’t exactly control how I feel about it. But I did say that once I found someone I really wanted, I’d be loyal. None of my friends believe me of course. Sometimes others are just as willing to see the worst in you as you are. But I prefer friends to guys; guys are more of a past time I guess. Oh that sounds horrible! haha I’m trying to mature from that :P I guess I ultimately want a guy who knows when to leave me alone and when to be with me. Aren’t I finicky? But I want it nonetheless. Probably always will. Doesn’t everyone? We are all afraid to be alone and yet in the end, we all will be.

As for friends, I have lots but I reveal different degrees of truth to them all. Present different personas per say. There is only person I actually reveal the whole truth or at least as much of it as I can. I don’t hold back. Everyone else just gets a fraction of it. It’s not perfect, but the system works for me. And now it’s changed. It’s as if my paradigm as shifted.

I want to take a chance for once in my life. I’ve already taken the risk getting him. I might as well get the benefits. :P I don’t know what will become of it, but I’ve always had the belief that you haven’t lived until your heart’s been broken. For some reason, I want to suffer. I’ve been so sheltered in my life; I have a voracious appetite for knowledge. I cannot see the world, learn, make mistakes, and survive under my parents’ wing forever. And they need to let me go. I need to fall. To fail. I want to know if I have the perseverance to survive life. And thus, I need to take the risk to fall in love. Or fall out of love. Whatever it ends up being. I always claim to be a daredevil. I guess I should prove it huh? :)

Totally shifting subjects, but since this is about me changing, I might as well write about it now. I’ve found being alone more and more peaceful as time goes on. I always knew that I had “loner tendencies” but they are never more apparent when I’m at college. Don’t get me wrong, I love my social life. At times I crave activity and people flitting in and out of my life. The movement exhilarates me. However, spending time alone is rather nice as well.

People are always afraid to be alone. I used to be one of them. I wanted a huge network of friends, people I could depend on to ward away the loneliness; I wanted a significant other, one who could share my moods with me. But somewhere along the way, I found myself being alone more often than not. I don’t know why I’m surprised by this considering I don’t like revealing my true emotions to people. I’d rather bottle it up and deal with it myself, hidden away from the world…and the eyes of others. Revealing your true nature to others is frightening; it exposes vulnerabilities that you’d much rather others didn’t see. As if revealing it makes it manifest itself more readily. I will be the first to admit that I have trust issues. Trusting leads me right back to the issue of being vulnerable.

At times, I feel fragile. As if I’m going to shatter if I can’t hold onto all the pieces. And that I can’t be put back together correctly because the pieces don’t fit together as they should. Irrepairable. Kind of like amber. It’s pretty and looks rather tough, but is actually very easily shattered at the sign of the slightest force. That is what I am sometimes. I don’t know if I can find someone to help me hold it together or even to put the pieces back together for me. I can barely even reveal all the cracks and fissures in the image presented to the world. Sometimes, just sometimes, I want the decision to be taken out of my hands. That someone or something would allow me to move beyond my moment of vulnerability. And be stronger for it.

I guess in the end, Music is my solace. Dancing is my guide. Nothing but the steady pulsing beat that something primal in me recognizes. It reveals all my vulnerabilities and cracks, urging me into a creative frenzy. It does not care or judge because it can’t. It is the catharsis that I need. And maybe one day I will find it in someone. Some unknown quality in them that has the ability to calm the darker parts of my soul and make it sing instead. But until then, I will let the steady beat drive me along.

And look who else came back into the limelight:

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