God I hope not. It’s fucking hot as it is and I am melting despite the slight breeze coming in from my window. I have no idea how we’re all gonna survive tomorrow. And did I mention I’m melting? I am a hot sweaty mess. The end.
Wow a bit has changed since my last post. Especially my mental state. As of now I feel that my tests have gone quite well and hope that the scores will echo that good feeling. But what I really feel good about is certain choices I’ve made recently. For all the people who actually know me, I’m sure they could never imagine me as an engineer. And quite frankly, neither can I. Chemical engineers care about things like fixing the environment, inventing something like Kevlar, or finding alternative fuel sources. While I’m not saying that I don’t care about those things as well, I think that someone else can solve those problems. I care more for the human aspect of it. And that is why I am making a switch into biochemistry instead. I don’t know if everyone realizes just how hard of a decision that was. It means letting go of a lot of the preconceived notions I had before and letting go of a set plan I had for the next couple years.
Moreover, I am finally making decisions for myself. I am not following the path that others have set out for me. I am giving myself freedom to explore my interests as opposed to allowing what others think to dictate my actions. I have rarely cared for the opinion of others; this time is no different. And while it will be difficult to break the news to my parents, it is something that is needed. I am maturing and part of that is making my own decisions concerning my future. I am learning a lot about myself and where I stand. As I said before, I am regaining my balance. I am figuring how to reach where I want to be in the near future. I am learning to reconcile the scientist in me with my inner philosopher. Not to mention trying to keep music in my life although I’m not pursuing a career in it. I am all those things and more; chemical engineering confines me to the scientist. It does not answer my hunger for knowledge in the liberal arts. It cannot appease my insatiable inner philosopher or give me insight the psyche of people. It does not make my heart sing or uplift my mood suddenly when I encounter it. Science feeds my brain; the liberal arts and arts feed my soul. Switching into biochemistry allows me to come to terms with the many facets of my personality. Being in the college of arts and sciences, it gives me the freedom to explore beyond math and science. And hopefully, it keeps me constantly creating, regardless of medium.
And as of right now, I don’t think that I have the capacity to handle adding another person to my life on an intimate level. As someone once told me about a past relationship, he has reached where he wants to be and, you, you are getting there. That makes total sense. I am striving to come to terms with who I am and who I will be in the near future. I would hate to inflict upon someone else my own insecurities and burdens. It would place pressure on any sort of intimate relationship I pursue and create cracks in any foundation that we were trying to build. That is also somewhat of a hard decision to make. At times, loneliness weakens my resolve. Especially in summer where things tend to slow down and there is plenty of time to dwell on it. But if I’ve learned anything, my attitude and outlook on life must change. Let’s see how well I do shall we?
It feels like it’s been awhile although my last post before the inspiration for this week was just last Friday. The on-goings of my life have been rather quiet which directly contrasts all the noise in my head. I need a vacation from my thoughts. But with upcoming tests that count I can’t relax too much. I really should be more worried about them but I can’t really bring myself to freak out over them too much. Besides, freaking out won’t really help me any other than to put me in a panicked mindset. So thus I’m procrastinating instead :) I have finished more books when I should be studying. They were quite enjoyable. hahah Of course I choose now to be interested in books I’ve had for a while. Isn’t that the way it always works? I also cleaned my room. One always finds something more interesting or more “important” than what actually needs to be done. That’s ok though. I sorta of planned ahead and added my procrastination into my studying as tonight is my last chance to get this all out of my system before the real work begins.
I’m regaining my balance again. Most definitely a good thing. It makes me happier knowing that I’m beginning to find my sense of self again. I had lost it for a while and felt a little rootless for a bit. I’m also learning a few things. For one, being mature is a lot about being able to make the decision that hurts. And also, I want to strive so that people do not flip through the metaphorical pages. I must make them stop and take notice, remember, and react. Doing nothing does not sit well with me. This may seem contradictory, but of course, there are times where I must do nothing but let time pass me by. That was a hard lesson to learn but I am better for it. I am decidedly a whole lot more patient than I was in the past. These aren’t exactly concrete but these are some of the major things I’ve been mulling over as I isolated myself from humanity. I think that I’m ready to start socializing again (after these midterms though; I can’t afford any sort of grade drop).
A close friend once told me that you shouldn’t have friends. Well. That sounds rather ominous and most definitely is a prickly thing to say. However, I get his meaning now. He didn’t exactly mean it the way it sounds. I am at very selfish time in my life right now, as are most of my friends. We need to devote this time into developing ourselves to the best of our abilities as opposed to worrying about the nuances of relationships at the moment. Maybe I’m not explaining this correctly, but in the end, it’s kind of like making a decision based off one’s significant other. You might live to regret that. So dropping everything and devoting time and effort into solving one’s friends problems when you have problems of your own isn’t exactly the wisest thing to do. Because in the end it is their problem. You cannot solve it for them as much as you’d like to. Of course one can lean on their friends in their time of need but friends are not one’s stability. Occasionally when you stumble and fall down in life, they can help you out but they cannot smother you with their care or else you begin to rely on them too much. There is a balance to it all. And while I am not dropping my friends any time soon, I do understand what he’s saying now. I needed the time to drop out from my social calendar for a bit and find my balance once again. And when I’m ready to rejoin the world again, I will.
Summer weather calls for peacock plummage like colors on your face as well as nails. Everyone gets brighter in summer and hopefully happier. hahaha In any case, I love adding color to my palette because it’s like the adult version of face paint. As I type, I feel like I have beauty war paint on. But in a good way. Not to mention the hot pink nail polish I have on courtesy of L.A. Girls Disco brites in Disco Inferno. Summer is no time to be shy so indulge in that electric purple or hot orange.
- MAC Liquidlast liner: this stuff is amazing. And won’t budge a bit. Seriously. Better have some waterproof makeup remover or baby oil on hand or else this stuff is never coming off. Of course if you happen to mess up, the drying time is long enough that you can easily wipe it off and fix it before it sets. Reports say that you can even swim in it. How interesting. I must go try it. I just bought it in
Despite the August issue being rather thin, I practically devoured it. I don’t think I flipped through anything. I seriously thoroughly looked at practically every page. And while it was the “age” issue, I loved the articles this month. They are inspirational and depicted powerful women who have found the balance between chic and seriousness. I’m glad that Anna Wintour stepped it up this month. Fashion is expanding its scope and I love the new modern movement. Moreover, I loved the Vogue point of view. I’ll even post it here since it was so good.
“It took American women a whole, but we’ve finally taken on board a certain truth:
How we feel about ourselves has more than a little to do with how well we care for ourselves. And that most definitely includes how we dress. Style isn’t imposed on us by the Establishment. It’s a daily affirmation of, well, our joie de vivre. We are each a painted butterfuly, with a different pattern to our wings.
The concept that adornment can–like capoeira-yoga classes or a devotion to esoteric whole grains–engender well-being is especially good news for anyone older than, so, oh, 29. It’s never been more true that you are only as old as you feel. You don’t have to resign yourself to a life of tastefully restrained suits the minute you pass 35. You don’t have to hide your punk-rock light under a bushel because you’re over 50. Just ask Patti Smith.
Does that mean that average grande-mere should reveal her legs in walking shorts? Obviously not. Discernment and bare-knuckled self-critique go a long way. (Why not try a pair of chic patterned stockings and a leather pencil skirt, Nana?) The message we hope you’ll take home from this issue is that any woman can translate the runway trends to her own benefit today. The best fashion–finally, honestly, for real this time–truly is ageless.”
Travis Wall is, without a doubt, my favorite dancer of like all time. He’s so unique in his style, not to mention his talent is astounding. Now’s he delving into choreography. And it is beautiful. He’s really making his mark on the dance world and I, for one, am glad to bear witness to the rise of such talent. Here’s his debut on SYTYCD:
They finally put a model on the cover of American Vogue!!! Of course, it’s Christy Turlington and she had had an exclusive contract with them during the era of the supers but still! This is big. American glossies have a predilection towards celebrities because everyone is soooo obsessed with celebrity gossip and it’s taking away from my fashion magazines. These are fashion magazines, not celebrity magazines. Thank you Anna for bringing back someone actually in the industry instead of a celebrity for hype.