– Charles Baudelaire
It’s very interesting what attracts me when I’m looking at editorials or runway shows or street fashion. Sometimes it’s the clothes; other times it’s the attitude or styling. It’s different every time what makes a look pop as opposed to blending in. As Coco Chanel once said “Fashion fades, only style remains the same.” I agree. Something about the attitude usually comes through even when I’m choosing to save something based on the styling of the clothes. If a person is uncomfortable in a mini skirt and heels, it’ll show. No matter what. It could be supposedly the hottest look in the world and the person doesn’t pull it off. Because of attitude. So I think that attitude plays an intricate part in making a look stand out. Of course it helps with something eye catching. Like silver sandals or something. hahaha Just the right amount of flash without being overwhelming.
Moreover, I have no idea what attracted me to fashion in the first. I talk about it all the time. And follow it daily, but I don’t really have an idea how I got into it in the first place. It just kinda fell into place I guess. I was such a tomboy when I was younger and never cared about what I was wearing. I still have that daredevil in me but the outer packaging has changed. hahah I have a love of shows and make up. I have specific looks in mind and specific items I want. I will settle for no less. I guess it could be seen as another extension of my creative self. Music and dance just wasn’t enough. I had to add fashion on top of it. :) Well then that totally makes sense. Fashion is fun and a form of free expression, one which I take great advantage of. Possibly because most of my decisions when I was younger were made for me and it chafed. I hated it so I needed something else to decide and control. Or it could just be manifesting itself better now that I’m older. When I was younger I painted my face and wore who knows what. hahah I was most definitely different every day. Kinda like now, except I dress better for my shape and mostly to look good. hahah I’m presenting a different look to the world. It is my facade and my image. The way I play the game I guess. Enough of my musings. I have some post-date contemplation to do. :D
*Warning Uber pic heavy*
I think that I am largely overdue for a post. It’s interesting how posting slowed down for me as time went one. Mostly due to finals and plans. Yay I have a life outside of blogger space. hahaha Also I’ve been really really really really addicted to Lookbook lately. I’m on it like all the time.
That and other distractions :P But I can’t/won’t spill those details onto cyberspace considering it doesn’t soley concern me. ANYWAY onto the pics.
Here’s something I should have posted before. It’s been sitting on my blackberry since I first composed it. Here it is unchanged:
What is my potential? It seems time and time again I always come back to this question. I want to explore and discover and prove my parents wrong. I want to shed the trappings of insecurity. Or at least learn to live beyond uncertainty. It seems that right now everything is uncertain and fragile. Like a bubble about to be popped. And it’s true. We live in a world of fear. Always worried about the next bad thing, never appreciating what this peace brings us until it’s there no longer.
Living is such a hard thing to do. Something pushes you down; it’s your choice whether you get back up again. But I guess the hard things make the pleasures of life better felt. We need that balance. I guess I have the impression that there can’t be good without bad and vice versa. Moreover, there is a large gray matter in between. Grey matter that can lean either way. I’m still debating whether that needs to be defined. I mainly think that everyone is allowed to live life as they wish, whether they operate under the same moral philosophy as mine or otherwise. But it is rather tough to live that way in this world. We can just see how the world treats gay people to understand how much hate there is in this world.
I am always questioning. Half of the time I don’t agree with the Catholic Church despite being confirmed. And I don’t obviously agree with my parents’ own moral beliefs. I have my own. Interesting how that gets formed considering the way I was raised. I have always been strong willed. I think that it is up to me to set my own parameters. No one else can do it for me.
Sometimes I want to see if I can tough the sun. The metaphorical sun that is. Will I get burned? Probably. Do I still want to anyway? Abso-fucking-lutely. Is that childish of me? I like to think it isn’t. It is human nature to want after all.
So whether you hate it or love it, it’s ok. Comment anyway. I would love to hear what people think.
I’m baaack. That’s the longest I’ve gone between actual posts. haha What can I say? I’m addicted to blogging. But finals are done, projects are turned in, and grades are posted. Whooooooo Thank God. This quarter totally sucked. Something about winter quarter makes everything sooo depressing: the weather, the classes, but luckily not the people. haha Well I definitely benefited from a certain someone. *smirk* And it’s causing me to act like such a girl. I’m still deciding if I like it or not. It’s making me terribly insecure and I HATE insecurity in others, let alone myself. Here’s a chance for me get all my thoughts down on paper instead of driving all my friends crazy with my babble.
I don’t date. Ever. The thought of getting close to someone emotionally makes me want to run the opposite direction. I’m a bit skittish whenever a guy wants more from a relationship. Ironic, non? I’m acting like the commitment phobic guy. hahahaha Some call it coy; I call it “shit scared and I need to get the hell outta here.” Well, I never claimed to be normal. lol Look at me. We haven’t even been on a date yet and I’m already assuming he would even want a relationship with me. I don’t know what to feel anymore. All I know is that I don’t know if I like how crazy I’m acting right now. I’m being rather girly, which is 1) out of character for me and 2) bloody unsufferable at times. I hate being uncertain. But unfortunately, uncertainty rules our lives. I guess that would be a sign to go for it right?
Anyway, I’ve always been rather boy crazy but once the chase is over, I drop him. Immediately. And move on. *shrug* I can’t exactly help it if I lose interest. I can’t exactly control how I feel about it. But I did say that once I found someone I really wanted, I’d be loyal. None of my friends believe me of course. Sometimes others are just as willing to see the worst in you as you are. But I prefer friends to guys; guys are more of a past time I guess. Oh that sounds horrible! haha I’m trying to mature from that :P I guess I ultimately want a guy who knows when to leave me alone and when to be with me. Aren’t I finicky? But I want it nonetheless. Probably always will. Doesn’t everyone? We are all afraid to be alone and yet in the end, we all will be.
As for friends, I have lots but I reveal different degrees of truth to them all. Present different personas per say. There is only person I actually reveal the whole truth or at least as much of it as I can. I don’t hold back. Everyone else just gets a fraction of it. It’s not perfect, but the system works for me. And now it’s changed. It’s as if my paradigm as shifted.
I want to take a chance for once in my life. I’ve already taken the risk getting him. I might as well get the benefits. :P I don’t know what will become of it, but I’ve always had the belief that you haven’t lived until your heart’s been broken. For some reason, I want to suffer. I’ve been so sheltered in my life; I have a voracious appetite for knowledge. I cannot see the world, learn, make mistakes, and survive under my parents’ wing forever. And they need to let me go. I need to fall. To fail. I want to know if I have the perseverance to survive life. And thus, I need to take the risk to fall in love. Or fall out of love. Whatever it ends up being. I always claim to be a daredevil. I guess I should prove it huh? :)
Totally shifting subjects, but since this is about me changing, I might as well write about it now. I’ve found being alone more and more peaceful as time goes on. I always knew that I had “loner tendencies” but they are never more apparent when I’m at college. Don’t get me wrong, I love my social life. At times I crave activity and people flitting in and out of my life. The movement exhilarates me. However, spending time alone is rather nice as well.
People are always afraid to be alone. I used to be one of them. I wanted a huge network of friends, people I could depend on to ward away the loneliness; I wanted a significant other, one who could share my moods with me. But somewhere along the way, I found myself being alone more often than not. I don’t know why I’m surprised by this considering I don’t like revealing my true emotions to people. I’d rather bottle it up and deal with it myself, hidden away from the world…and the eyes of others. Revealing your true nature to others is frightening; it exposes vulnerabilities that you’d much rather others didn’t see. As if revealing it makes it manifest itself more readily. I will be the first to admit that I have trust issues. Trusting leads me right back to the issue of being vulnerable.
At times, I feel fragile. As if I’m going to shatter if I can’t hold onto all the pieces. And that I can’t be put back together correctly because the pieces don’t fit together as they should. Irrepairable. Kind of like amber. It’s pretty and looks rather tough, but is actually very easily shattered at the sign of the slightest force. That is what I am sometimes. I don’t know if I can find someone to help me hold it together or even to put the pieces back together for me. I can barely even reveal all the cracks and fissures in the image presented to the world. Sometimes, just sometimes, I want the decision to be taken out of my hands. That someone or something would allow me to move beyond my moment of vulnerability. And be stronger for it.
I guess in the end, Music is my solace. Dancing is my guide. Nothing but the steady pulsing beat that something primal in me recognizes. It reveals all my vulnerabilities and cracks, urging me into a creative frenzy. It does not care or judge because it can’t. It is the catharsis that I need. And maybe one day I will find it in someone. Some unknown quality in them that has the ability to calm the darker parts of my soul and make it sing instead. But until then, I will let the steady beat drive me along.
And look who else came back into the limelight:
Finals. Posting will come later.