life and independence

Had a somewhat lowkey evening although fireworks and chilling out with friends can’t really be a bad thing. Nothing wrong if you’re in good company. Life is in a lull right now I think. Slightly confusing but good at times. Just…all over the place. Of course this wasn’t how I was expecting to spend it. *shrug* But it wasn’t such a terrible loss. It’s good to get out and be with people instead of being left alone to one’s thoughts. I…need someone who can take how much I talk. But until that happens I guess I can just write about.

I’ve been rather lowkey lately. From like March and on I haven’t made concrete plans on like anything. I used to be full of ideas and planning this and that. But once spring in college hit, it was like a slow down button had been hit or something. I’ve lost sight of myself a little because this is the most introverted I’ve been since like college hit. I don’t know. Maybe things have a greater affect on me than I thought. I love college but it brings out mixed emotions. On one hand, it’s a decent university and I have the freedom to do what I like. On the other hand, that freedom is somewhat of an illusion. I can’t do what I’d like and that’s really hard to accept. I can’t have what I want. And while I know you just can’t simply get what you want, I’ve never really wanted something as badly as being able to make my own decisions. And to fuck up and pick myself up again and to put my life back together again. And sometimes, I just don’t want to do anything because it’s hard. It’s really hard to try sometimes; fighting what everyone else wants for me. I guess that could be why I’m being so lowkey. College has reawakened a lot of those dreams I thought I gave up on when I was younger. And that’s frightening. It means that I can’t be the good child who does what she’s told any longer. I’m somewhat fighting who I am. And I guess that leaves me little energy to deal with other people and thus why I choose to be alone a lot fo the times. Who knows. This 3 am post is getting a little maudlin.

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