Summer

I can’t believe I spent all Spring quarter wishing for summer. Now that I have it, I recall just how boring those 4 months were. I would rather have work to do. Maybe it might not be something I love or like doing but at least it’s something. I don’t know who I am anymore. How the hell did I become so boring? I don’t do anything anymore besides read, write, perhaps sing, and veg out in front of my computer occasionally looking at fashion. Dude. I know that a lot of my friends have scattered to the four winds for summer but really? This is what I’ve been reduced to? Gah. Forgettable indeed. And it’s of my own making too. How…unfortunate.

I know that I have accepted my lot in life and I can’t simply get the things I want right now but still. This is pathetic, even for me. Not that reading and writing aren’t worthwhile pursuits. But I have to satisfy the more extroverted aspects in me too. I can’t always stay home and be perfect daughter. I’m done being the bobble head doll that nods yes when my parents call. Somehow I became a coward. Of course many people don’t see me that way since I am generally quite daring. But only about things that don’t actually matter. Guys? They come and they go. They mean nothing. A passing interest. Who cares about what people I don’t know think about me?

Of course I’m not going to burn any bridges. That’d be stupid on my part. But I’m not going to take what the world’s throwing at me hands down either. I can’t compromise who I am. In the way I dress or in the way that I talk so much. I can’t stop that. And I shouldn’t have to. So maybe I need to do a little spring cleaning of the people I hang out with if they can’t give me the time of day. I’ve already had one major spring cleaning of something that just wasn’t working out. I should be able to do it with everything else as well (including the people in my life). And find something that matters to me again. Music will always be a big part of my life but I can’t rest of “what ifs” anymore. I’m no more a music prodigy than the average person standing next to me at the bus stop. I like to sing but that’s about it.

I guess in the end it always comes back to fashion. I could never give that up. Dressing to suit my mood is who I’ve always been. And I shouldn’t have to change that. I know that certain things will end up influencing me, but overall I like to stay true to myself in terms of fashion. No matter how much college is trying to destroy it. Or how my friends and people puzzle over it. It’s not for them. It’s for me. So they can just fuck off. Sorry if I don’t fit in the neat little boxes they want me to. That includes you too mother.

You can’t make me the perfect daughter. You can’t make me want to be at home all the time or like physics. Or math. You can’t think that I will also think that exercise is the cure to the world’s problems as well. Or will I go to bed “on time.” News flash. I am completely different from you. You focus on me because you gave it all up. You did exactly as your father told you and look for that got you? Why don’t you go find something that makes you feel happy again instead of lecturing me about who I should be? And about how things are soooooo easy for me. Cuz they’re not. I’m not going to cry over the material needs and shit but I have fuck ups too. And issues. And no matter what you say, I will always care about different things. I’m selfish. SO WHAT. As long as I am willing to compromise over things in my life, then I will be fine. So look behind the tissue-thin rebellious daughter image and see who I really am. Even if I don’t know who I am myself, I am still learning. And you need to learn with me. If not, you can just stay the fuck away from me in the future. Because once I have that Bachelor’s in my hand, I’m going to go find myself. As retarded as that sounds, it’s true. I’m going to find something to make me feel powerful and alive again.

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