Angsting as per usual

And instead of driving my friends crazy (well crazier since I’ve already talked to a lot of people earlier) I will write about it. I want attention. And I am arrogant. What a loathsome combination. And with so many people pointing out my flaws today I guess my ego has taken a beating. Not to mention my psyche. I have no idea what to feel anymore. I can’t be happy. Because that never lasts. I can’t be sad because that’s just depressing. I can’t be angry because I have nothing/no one to be angry with/at. I guess I’m just a whole lot of confused right now. The year has just ended and I…don’t know where I’m at. This year has been such an emotional upheaval for me. I don’t know to whether to cry, laugh, or scream. I guess I am back to my angst after all. Full cycle. Goody. : / I don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve lost a lot of my friends. Slowly drifting away throughout fall quarter. And then winter was chilling time for me. Spring is….a bit of everything. I honestly don’t know where I stand any longer. I need to find something that makes me feel powerful and alive once again. Because my coping mechanisms just aren’t cutting it anymore.

Who am I? Singer, dancer, performer, thinker, hunter, philosopher, writer, romantic, chemist, fashionista, athletic, social, food critic, humanitarian, dreamer. All those aspects in me can never be shown to one person. It is always split. I never show too much of anything to people. No one ever gets all of me. I divide myself into pieces for the people around me. And they think nothing of it. I bleed so much easier now. And ultimately I am worthless. Because I no longer find personal fulfillment in those things any longer. I don’t know who I am anymore. This is what I’ve always been afraid of. Finding what I do worthless. Because we all want to matter. And right now, I don’t even matter to myself. Let alone anyone else.

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