Taking Stock of My Life

I’ve been so easily distracted lately. I know they say that relationships take up a lot of time but I didn’t quite expect to be so wrapped up into it. But it’s not just that. The weather and the dryness of my professors make me wanna run as far away from the lecture hall as possible. And if I had to choose doing nothing of my own making a comfortable spot or doing nothing in a lecture hall where I can’t really distract myself, I’d do the former. What’s wrong with me? Where’s my drive? I don’t know where it went. Or where exactly my identity went. As much as I would hate to admit it, I’ve changed quite a bit.

Some people have a profound impact on our lives. I’ve met 2 such ones this quarter (obviously each affect me differently). I’ve never been so mushy in my life. Ever. It’s quite odd to look back on all the changes in my life lately. I worry more. Or I should say I worry about not worrying. haha I’m such a lazy ass in spring. However, this is quite a new case of it. There are new uncertainties and new variables added to the equation. My brain is busy wrapping itself around the more emotional changes in my life as opposed to the intellectual changes. I find myself quietening down in order to internally categorize the on-goings of my life. Of course, I keep up my normal chatter but half the time I’m not even fully cognizant of what I’m actually saying other than the fluff. I wonder if he notices. If he knows me well enough to see the internal disquiet that goes on. Probably not. He’s not nearly so philosophical or examining at life as I am. Not everyone has to watch and read what is going on. Sometimes people just go with the flow and live life. I would like to be one of those people. However, I don’t quite think that I am.

It’s nice having him around though. The insecurities are silenced at those moments. And it’s nice. I’m usually too busy feeling to really overthink things; living in the moment if you will. And that’s great. I swear I’m already fucked in the analytical department since being a girl has somehow genetically wired overanalyzing into my system. I’ve seen way worse but I don’t like the extent to which I have it myself. My brain is on constant repeat. And I don’t like it. I want other interests. I want things to keep my busy, to stimulate me, to challenge me. I want some of my own identity back. And while I love the togetherness we share, I don’t like how much I’m changing. Or how open I am. It’s like he systematically knocks down all my barriers without even trying. It’s like slightly alarming at how easily I am disarmed. I’ve never been this open before. Ever. I don’t know if I like it. Openness means vulnerability. And I can’t account for that or for what happens. gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

That’s not the only thing. There’s a number of things I’ve been thinking about over the year. Strange how I can change so much in the transition from high school to college isn’t it? I always saw myself as independent and while sheltered for most of it, I was ready to reach for life. And if I fell on my ass, so be it. I guess I didn’t expect the way things turned out. I’m quite maudlin and happen to make this sound much worse than it actually is. I guess I worry too much. I have too much control. I don’t even know where that comes from. The need to be always in control of situation, of having to read people. I haven’t had any life tragedies. I just happen to be an American-Asian girl who is stuck with Asian parents. No one cares so much for finding identities beyond doing what needs to be done in order to be the engineer or doctor, or lawyer. Happiness is not in the equation.

I am who I am. I cannot make excuses or change myself because other people wish it so. I can’t be who they want. I can’t even satsify myself let alone other people. And I shouldn’t have to. But until I am free (Disko’s definition of it), I must play the game. I am always hunting for that spark. The thing to push me and drive me. To make me better. Maybe one day I’ll find it. I need to work on myself before I can even attempt to deal with others. Maybe a day of silence is needed. Disconnect myself from my social network and my oh so important electronics.

Signing off,
~T

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