Inner Turmoil

Why are there so many things to worry about? I’ve been pretty lax in my worrying lately hahaha If that even makes sense. Probably cuz I’ve been happy. Happiness has a tendency to knock everything else outta the way. There is a reason why they say “love is blind.” Not that I am in love. Not by a long shot. I’m…content where we’re at. I don’t wanna define it cuz I don’t feel like I need to. We can be whatever. And anyone else who says otherwise can just go fuck off already. Including my parents. Oh parentals. Why do you find ways of throwing me outta wacke even more than I was originally? You always wanna “talk” (lecture) and “remind me” (nag me). You’re like the hypothetical wife I never wanted. hmm that sounds mean. But true at the moment. And the truth hurts sometimes. Don’t I know it.

I’ve been off lately. Mainly because I haven’t dealt well with my mom. Never have. I have developed a complex over the years I think. I don’t want them to affect me so much, but they do anyway. They’ve been driving me crazy lately though. I need the freedom to make my own mistakes. And learn from them. So if I fuck up, I fuck up. At least it was on my own terms. I like to think that I have the maturity to make my own mistakes and deal with them accordingly. As Samuel Beckett would say “Ever tried, ever failed, no matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” And I agree. I can’t be afraid just because many people insist on drowning me in potential consequences. You don’t live that way. You survive. I would like to have a better mix of both. Surviving is all good and well, but that’s all it is. It’s existance. And I want to enjoy life. Despite its consequences. So bring it. It can bang me up and knock me around. It’s still not gonna make me stop wanting to experience life to its fullest and on my own terms.

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