Musings as of 3/9/09

Here’s something I should have posted before. It’s been sitting on my blackberry since I first composed it. Here it is unchanged:

What is my potential? It seems time and time again I always come back to this question. I want to explore and discover and prove my parents wrong. I want to shed the trappings of insecurity. Or at least learn to live beyond uncertainty. It seems that right now everything is uncertain and fragile. Like a bubble about to be popped. And it’s true. We live in a world of fear. Always worried about the next bad thing, never appreciating what this peace brings us until it’s there no longer.

Living is such a hard thing to do. Something pushes you down; it’s your choice whether you get back up again. But I guess the hard things make the pleasures of life better felt. We need that balance. I guess I have the impression that there can’t be good without bad and vice versa. Moreover, there is a large gray matter in between. Grey matter that can lean either way. I’m still debating whether that needs to be defined. I mainly think that everyone is allowed to live life as they wish, whether they operate under the same moral philosophy as mine or otherwise. But it is rather tough to live that way in this world. We can just see how the world treats gay people to understand how much hate there is in this world.

I am always questioning. Half of the time I don’t agree with the Catholic Church despite being confirmed. And I don’t obviously agree with my parents’ own moral beliefs. I have my own. Interesting how that gets formed considering the way I was raised. I have always been strong willed. I think that it is up to me to set my own parameters. No one else can do it for me.

Sometimes I want to see if I can tough the sun. The metaphorical sun that is. Will I get burned? Probably. Do I still want to anyway? Abso-fucking-lutely. Is that childish of me? I like to think it isn’t. It is human nature to want after all.

So whether you hate it or love it, it’s ok. Comment anyway. I would love to hear what people think.


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