Life Choices

Wow a bit has changed since my last post. Especially my mental state. As of now I feel that my tests have gone quite well and hope that the scores will echo that good feeling. But what I really feel good about is certain choices I’ve made recently. For all the people who actually know me, I’m sure they could never imagine me as an engineer. And quite frankly, neither can I. Chemical engineers care about things like fixing the environment, inventing something like Kevlar, or finding alternative fuel sources. While I’m not saying that I don’t care about those things as well, I think that someone else can solve those problems. I care more for the human aspect of it. And that is why I am making a switch into biochemistry instead. I don’t know if everyone realizes just how hard of a decision that was. It means letting go of a lot of the preconceived notions I had before and letting go of a set plan I had for the next couple years.

For a while, it was nice being able to say that I wanted to be engineer. There is a certain weight placed upon that career path and many positive connotations associated with being one. People looked at you differently for being so “serious.” And that was great for me as I am very much a fashionista, which has a major connotation of frivolousness. It’s hard to work against that social mental mindset. Being an engineer was a way to dissociate myself from that connotation while rocking the stereotype of an engineer as well. But in the end, I simply can’t place reputation and prestige that it brings me above happiness. Maybe that makes me weak for choosing something that could potentially make me happy as opposed to something that would have brought me respect. However, I would hate myself and regret it if I chose to stick with engineering only because of reputation issues and parental pressure. I have always thought of myself as strong, strong enough to create my own path in this society. And let’s face it, I would have been miserable as a chemical engineer. Or at the very least settling for something when I could have done better for myself. I wasn’t excited for my upcoming classes or research opportunities and quite frankly, I was becoming rather depressed about it all. So thus, I am choosing a better fit for myself.

Moreover, I am finally making decisions for myself. I am not following the path that others have set out for me. I am giving myself freedom to explore my interests as opposed to allowing what others think to dictate my actions. I have rarely cared for the opinion of others; this time is no different. And while it will be difficult to break the news to my parents, it is something that is needed. I am maturing and part of that is making my own decisions concerning my future. I am learning a lot about myself and where I stand. As I said before, I am regaining my balance. I am figuring how to reach where I want to be in the near future. I am learning to reconcile the scientist in me with my inner philosopher. Not to mention trying to keep music in my life although I’m not pursuing a career in it. I am all those things and more; chemical engineering confines me to the scientist. It does not answer my hunger for knowledge in the liberal arts. It cannot appease my insatiable inner philosopher or give me insight the psyche of people. It does not make my heart sing or uplift my mood suddenly when I encounter it. Science feeds my brain; the liberal arts and arts feed my soul. Switching into biochemistry allows me to come to terms with the many facets of my personality. Being in the college of arts and sciences, it gives me the freedom to explore beyond math and science. And hopefully, it keeps me constantly creating, regardless of medium.

And as of right now, I don’t think that I have the capacity to handle adding another person to my life on an intimate level. As someone once told me about a past relationship, he has reached where he wants to be and, you, you are getting there. That makes total sense. I am striving to come to terms with who I am and who I will be in the near future. I would hate to inflict upon someone else my own insecurities and burdens. It would place pressure on any sort of intimate relationship I pursue and create cracks in any foundation that we were trying to build. That is also somewhat of a hard decision to make. At times, loneliness weakens my resolve. Especially in summer where things tend to slow down and there is plenty of time to dwell on it. But if I’ve learned anything, my attitude and outlook on life must change. Let’s see how well I do shall we?

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